Family Matters

NAVIGATING THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR IN-LAWS

BY MIMI GREENWOOD KNIGHT

Years ago, I sold an essay to a major national magazine. I was so excited until it dawned on me exactly what I’d done. The essay was a tongue-in-cheek exposé about what a nightmare it is to spend the holidays with my in-laws. The magazine was due to hit the stands just before I left to spend the holidays with my in-laws.

In the end, they were gracious. They understood I was going for the laugh and conceded that they can be “a bit much.” They also reminded me they have their own in-laws, so they get it. But I spent some sleepless nights anticipating their reaction.

There’s a reason so many therapy sessions are devoted to the subject of in-laws. It’s never easy blending two families, and the holidays can make that merger even trickier. Maybe you have the best in-laws in the world — and I hope you do — but as the holidays approach, here are some tips for navigating this time of year with the wonderful people who gave you your partner.

EXPECT STRESS

Hey, it’s the holidays. Stress is all but inevitable. Keep that in mind if one person, in particular, is pushing all your buttons. It may be them, or it may just be the inherent stress of this time of year.

PRACTICE DIPLOMACY

Let’s face it, you’re unlikely to change a family dynamic that long predates you. If you’re feeling disrespected or undervalued, try imagining your in-law is your best friend who’s just having a bad day. It might help you feel more patient.

BUILD A UNITED FRONT

Communication is key in marriage. At no time is this truer than during a stressful holiday visit. Let your spouse know what things stress you out and which family members you find most taxing. Ask them to be your buffer. Establish a signal or code to let them know when you need to be rescued from a situation and when you’re ready to call it quits for the day.

FOCUS ON THE KIDS

Most grandparents adore their grandkids. And the feeling is usually reciprocal. Your kids deserve to spend time with their adoring grandparents. If your relationship with your in-laws isn’t all you wish it was, focusing on the kids can offer you a different perspective.

TRY A LITTLE DISTRACTION

Plan an outside activity or family outing focused on the children. Surprise your in-laws with an event to distract from any tension. Better yet, present three activity options and let them choose which they’d like to do together.

TAKE CARE OF YOU

The holidays can induce a lot of feelings — good and bad. Don’t neglect self-care. If you need a break, take a walk or the kids to the park. Take long diaphragmatic breaths throughout the day. As your body relaxes, your mind will follow. Acknowledge the stress, but don’t forget the light at the end of the tunnel.

The holidays will be over soon enough. You’ve got this!